“I write better than I talk”
That’s a quote I instantly related to last week. After scrolling through my blog the other day, I laughed at how different I come across on the internet to the person I am in real life. When I write, it naturally flows. I find it easier to write about feelings or my outlooks on different topics than I do talking to somebody in real life. I stutter, lose track of what I’m saying and becoming a socially awkward buffoon during social interactions with new people. Just last week I had to explain a story to a person at our Airbnb – making a tit out of myself in the process. I couldn’t make it funny, or witty, I stumbled on my words and I spoke that fast I couldn’t even understand what I was saying – never mind the poor Mexican woman standing on the opposite side of the kitchen table – I apologise for my social awkwardness, Julietta.
As I read through some of the notes whilst my iPhone shouts at me for my lack of storage space; I was confused. Who is the person I become on the internet? Why do I find it easy to crack a joke I think is funny? And where did I find a personality? Because as I write this, it definitely isn’t the girl currently sat behind a laptop screen, scoffing her face with cookies and ice cream, desperate for a drink of water because I’m too shy to go downstairs and socialise, whilst jamming to a Greek Musical Odyssey playlist I’ve set private on my Spotify.
The person I perceive to be on the internet isn’t afraid to put her opinions across; can easily make friends; can easily talk to anyone; write about her feelings; and finds it easy to be outgoing. My actual self is frequently reluctant to share her opinions; finds it difficult to make friends; struggles to talk to random people; hides her feelings; and prefers to be in the comfort of her own home over being out and socialising.
Basically, I’m not funny; I find communication awkward; I’m not witty and I can’t string a story together to save my life. It’s not that I try to be different on the internet, I suppose it’s something that comes naturally to me. I think sometimes, the person I try to become on the internet is the person I wish I could be. I wish I was funny; witty; full of personality and craved social situations. Being the quiet one in a group or being too afraid to put my opinions across due to the fear of being judged can genuinely be quite draining – but, that’s just me.
It’s difficult to find likeminded people; that’s why I think writing is so important to so many of us. When you’re in a ‘moment’ – eyes locked on your screen and your fingers are typing away at the keys on your laptop, it’s easy to get lost in your own world, similarly to reading a book. The internet gives you the freedom and makes it easier to create a compartmentalised version of yourself. When I write; I have the time and the freedom to write a point of view the way I would like to. It isn’t a case of having to think about what I’m saying because at the time, it’s me who’s reading it – I then have the freedom to read through my ramblings and select what I put out to social media. Something we can’t do in real life.
I’m definitely guilty of spending too much time on the internet, swapping through various social media apps on my phone and then returning to the beginning and acting out the same routine for hours everyday. When I write, I forget. I enjoy being the person I am on the internet to escape the person I am in real life. I like to think of myself as Hannah Montana – living a double life.